why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
