I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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