yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
