I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
