I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
