i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
