I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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