So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
