Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
