I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
