the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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