Got a toothbrush?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
