if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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