end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
