Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
