Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
