You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Say something about gay babies.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
