i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
