all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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