I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just sent this text using only my big toe
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
