At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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