is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
