I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
