You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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