this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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