I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
