Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
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The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
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How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.