I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
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She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.