Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
