i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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