She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
