Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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