It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
