Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
