Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
