there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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