I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
