I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
