dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.