stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
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Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.