I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
