It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
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dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What changed your mind?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
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Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.