So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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