why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
