you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
