What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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