Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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