I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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