haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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