Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
