i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
