Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
