i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
