Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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