Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
