Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
