do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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