Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
