The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
