Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
