everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
