Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
